Book Reviews Made Easy

 

By Bob Fellman

There seems to be a standardized form on the internet for almost everything but I could not find a form for book reviews. Therefore, just for the fun of it, I have developed my own form which fits the pattern of most book reviews you have probably read. Here is how it goes:

While this first-time novelist that I am to write about undoubtedly has high aspirations, so did Ernest Hemingway when he had his first, but widely panned, novel published. Today few people remember that book, The Bell Tolls for an Old Man Climbing Mt. Kilimanjaro While the Sun Also Rose in the Afternoon. To his credit, this fiasco of a book taught Hemingway the skill of brevity for which he later became famous by making sure that none of his sentences — let alone book titles — ever exceeded seven words. Still, it has been rumored that this first novel haunted Hemingway for the rest of his life, thanks mainly to book reviewers who never stopped reminding him of that failure which is said to eventually result in his suicide. I often had the opportunity to interview Hemingway and I know I now regret asking him snidely and incessantly about that book every chance I had.

The novel being reviewed here does try to keep our attention with pages of gratuitous sex, which I truly appreciated. But without detailed illustrations most readers would likely prefer to just surf the internet porn sites and skip all that tedious reading.

A big problem with this book is its lack of character development. The protagonist seems the exact same in chapter two that he was in chapter one, although in chapter three he does change his hair style, convert to Shintoism, and have a sex change operation.

A few readers may complain that every sentence in this book begins with a capital letter, but hopefully this will only annoy e. e. cummings fans. I personally would like to have seen more sentences end with exclamation points because for me exclamation points always make for more exciting reading.

Another minor complaint for readers who read this book in actual printed page form is that I found the paper does not stand up well to coffee or spaghetti sauce stains. Same for beer and prune juice. People who like to read and eat should probably get this novel in e-book form. Also, while reading this book, my downstairs toilet kept making gulping sounds. But I cannot say with certainty that there is a definite cause-effect here.

I do not want to give away the ending of this book but I loved the way the protagonist’s totally unexpected death healed so many fences. I think the ending will uplift most readers, but not those who object to the death of a character that only at the end of the story have they finally come to love and respect.

I think this author has a lot of potential to learn from his mistakes and perhaps enthrall us with future novels. While this first novel is admittedly pretty much a waste of time, I have learned from my Hemingway experience. If this author ever publishes again, and I get the chance to interview him, I will not dredge this book up. This time I am going to let others be responsible for the author’s suicide.

 

 

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