Romeo, A Honker And A Spoon


By Diane Sesler

Love. Sigh. I’ve had many unpleasant dates before the true Valentine of my life appeared.

I met this particular specimen at a bar. I didn’t see the red flag. He asked me on a date. My two glasses of wine made me think he was a hottie patootee. I opened the door. There he was. His shiny polyester shirt was unbuttoned to his navel. My enlarged eyeballs were staring at a huge medallion on his hairy chest. Couldn’t back pedal on that one. Dark glasses and a large head scarf seemed appropriate for that evening. Off we went to a movie. He had seen it. He was too excited about it. Something told me that embarrassing moments were about to unravel. It did. He loudly recited to me every scene before they happened. No more wine for me I swear. This made him into you are “Not a keeper” #19.

Another date (I think he was probably number five) invited me out to dinner and a show. I was having a good time. He ordered lots of nice and expensive food. He had good taste. This man knew how to wine and dine a lady. That was until he said he didn’t bring any money to pay the tab. That makes him into you are “Not a keeper” #5

When I was young, I was deeply perturbed by the big honker on my face. My hand was permanently glued to my face to hide my big nose. I’m sure it helped matters tremendously. Mr. Casanova thought he was charming. He quoted to me: “Say, is that a banana you’re eating or is that just your nose?”. Oh, really? Yes, that makes him “Not a keeper “ #22.

This other Romeo worked at a grocery store. He showed up with an unwrapped liquor box as a gift. It was filled with Dial and Ivory soaps. Uhhhh? “Not a keeper” #8.

But, the winner of all bad dates is the guy who showed up with a giant stuffed gorilla. That part I liked. My dad said “would you like a shrimp cocktail, young man?” “No, sir,” he said, “I’m not thirsty”. Darn it… I thought he was a good one. #10 Winner of “Not a keeper”.

We have all had bad dates. My sister Lise had a date show up in his new green car. He was overly fond of her and painted I love you Lise in gigantic letters on the hood. Sounds sweet until you find out it was permanent white paint. Then, that turns into scary and freaky. He was an “I’ll see you later” with never having the intention of seeing him again.

Being single isn’t always fun when dating. It’s usually uncomfortable and there’s plenty of loose coco puffs around to make it even worse. But I believe that there’s someone out there for everyone if that’s what you want. This takes us on an adventure to the flea market.

My friend Lana and I were looking at a bad drawing of Nixon in a bathing suit. I noticed three girls standing nearby with puzzled expressions. Ahead of them I could see a woman who seemed to have strange distorted mittens or gloves. She passed us by and her hands revealed monstrous claws you might see on Ripley’s Believe or Not . Her nails were so long they coiled around and around like a red painted snake taking a nap. They dangled and clacked together by her side as she walked. Your mind immediately jogs to a list of questions. I look at Lana. How does one bathe with claws is one question that pops to mind. “Eek…disgusting!” I say to her. I’m happy Lana doesn’t have nails that reach the ground because it would make me gag like a cat with a hairball.

A vendor excitedly approaches our little crowd. He says to us “Do you know what she does for a living?” He obviously knows that we are talking about Lady Lobster. He’s thrilled to announce that she’s a seamstress. “NO!” we all scream in harmony. I’m daydreaming about a customer showing up at Lady Claws’ house with a broken zipper. The client is so shocked when they see Edward Scissorhands’ twin sister that they drop the pants on her floor and run out screaming into the street. After their disbelief wears out, they go back to pick up their pants. The zipper is all crooked and there’s a funky stitch pattern that goes all the way back to the rear of the pants. What else would you expect from a person with lobster claws and a sewing machine? My fascination with Mama Long Claws is that she appears to be walking with her boyfriend. Well, they rather look chummy with each other although they are not holding hands. Imagine that. Here’s the point: There’s proof in the pudding that anyone can find a mate that will accept you just as you are. I sing to you be wild and free — let your nails grow into eternity.

My honey is David. When I met him I thought he had potential to be #26 on my “not a keeper” list. He had a mullet, a water bed, a spoon, a fork, and one bowl. He fell asleep as my date at a Rolling Stone concert. My sister thought I had lost my marbles. He was not my type. We were friends first. Time spent with him turned into love. Suddenly, my heart jumped every time he entered a room (when the mullet was gone).

He was the one. Together we have been through good and bad times. We lost everything in the flood and lived in a 33’ trailer for over a year. It’s funny how things can come around full circle. David knew all along how “things” are not what is essential in our life. We have each other. That’s important. He was right all along. You don’t need much… may be just one spoon, a fork, a bowl, and each other.

I love you. You are a keeper.

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